Singapore’s total fertility rate (TFR) fell to a historic low of 1.1 last year (2020).
Of course, 2020 was a special year, with Covid-19 affecting the livelihoods of people around the world. But honestly, I don’t think TFR for the next few years will be any much better.
The common reasons cited for having only one or no kids are financial burden, work stress and educational stress of raising children.
Indeed, these are very real reasons.
I have friends who work gruelling hours, thus they see their children very little. Sadly, one told me that she saw her girl only during the weekend and they had to communicate via post-it-pad or Whatsapp on weekdays.
I have also heard of women with hectic work-life who suffered from repeated miscarriages. Personally, I had to take long vacations in order to conceive.
The high-staked PSLE and the perceived necessity to enter a prestigious educational institution in order to secure a good job and good life in the future have not helped to encourage married couples to have more kids either.
This post is not to convince a childless couple to have a kid. In fact, if one chooses to prioritize work and money over kids, then I won’t spend a second to convince the person at all.
If you are thinking of starting a family or having one more kid but not sure if you can afford it, I hope this post can give you a little more clarity on how you can prioritise life with the limited resources that an average person has.
After all, we have learned to make do without a lot of frills from our 11 years of parenting, decades of working and 5 years of living as a single-income family with 4 kids.
Having It All!
You don’t need to have it all when you are starting a family!
At some point in our life, we were told that women can have it all. We can achieve anything we can as long as we work for it.
Many of us work diligently to achieve our lofty aspirations. We put in the extra hours and pursue post-graduate education. Recent stats have shown an increase in the number of women with better educational qualification than their husbands.
But the truth is, having it all is a myth! Especially when you are starting a family!
No one can have it all. Not women, nor men. We all have limited resources, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. So, if we put a lot of time into our work to achieve our dreams, something else has to give way. And ultimately, it is our sleep, health or relationship with our spouse.
So if you are the over-achiever who love running projects, closing that one more deal, climbing up the corporate ladder, take note of this.
Having a baby likely means you can no longer work late in the office unless you have trusted help at home. Bringing work home may mean additional frustrations from caring for a needy little one and disappointment in yourself for being unable to complete the pile of things you have ambitiously brought back. There will probably be an elevated level of tension with your spouse over parenting roles too.
All these will take a toll on your mental health.
Well, that was me.
I have learned that having young kids at home means one have to set realistic work targets and be satisfied with fulfilling his/her basic work responsibilities, not the extras. I remember those days when I had to pass over growth relationship accounts to colleagues who are childless and had the capacity to take on more responsibilities, OT more.
It also became a case of managing my supervisors’ expectation of me too when I started turning down additional accounts to manage. The juniors were hungry for the new opportunities anyway.
I had to demonstrate to the superiors that no, I was not slacking at work. My plate was just overflowing with work and parenting responsibilities. I was still working late into the nights handling just my existing portfolios after the kids fell asleep. It affected my health over time.
Now, I am not saying that your career will derail the moment your baby is born.
What I mean is there is a season of life that parents go through.
You may have to slow down your high-speed train and let go of the unnecessary stress that is weighing you down. When you look back on your life in your forties/fifties, you will realise that there is no hurry in rushing up your career ladder. And you will certainly not regret slowing down a little for your beloved ones.
Just be prepared that your tiny baby may need you more than you have expected, and don’t feel too upset over your delayed work plans.
Manage your work and business with more room for unexpected issues such as a sick or colicky baby or a munchkin who does not sleep through the night.
Not to worry, this will not last forever. Depending on the temperament of your little sweetie, you get some stability after a while. You can start to sprint again, ranging from a few months to a few years.
You Don’t Need To Be Earning A Ton To Start A Family
Many couples claimed Singapore’s high cost of living as a huge deterrence to having kids. Some cannot afford to have more than one child even though they earn a high income and live materially very well.
Thus, some couples delay family planning not because their BTO flats are not ready, but because they are fighting for that promotion and increment to happen. They say they need the money.
Honestly, one does not need to be earning a ton of money to raise a child.
You don’t need the best doctor and a private hospital
If you are in a pink of health and you have no pregnancy complications, you do not need to consult a well-known or senior gynae to see you through your pregnancy.
While pregnancy forms the smallest part of parenthood, every dollar adds up. Private practices are expensive and some doctors only work with private hospitals such as Gleneagles or Mount Elizabeth.
So, if you don’t have any health concern, start with KKH which specialises in kids’ and women’s health anyway. Keep your Medisave aside for future unforeseen circumstances.
Seasoned parents will also tell you that you do not have to go to a paediatrician for every small and big matter. Consulting a PD costs a lot.
After spending a lot of unnecessary money on redundant visits to our PD for our first two kids, we learned to reserve our resources for more serious issues such as bronchitis. This means we only visit our PD if the health issue continues to linger after visiting to a GP.
And do you know that all Singaporean children now get childhood developmental screening and nationally recommended vaccination for free? Check out this MOH link for details.
Material Items For Your Child
You don’t need to buy every single item mentioned in the baby guide or the fanciest item that the salesperson shows you at the baby fair.
Always look for items that are multipurpose, space-saving and yet do not cause huge damage to your pocket. For instance, instead of a single-purpose baby food blender, choose one that you can use for family cooking too.
Eyeing that super-sleek and pricey multi-stage baby chair that promises to grow with your baby (though your baby has not promised to grow with it), get a second-hand one from Carousell to save you some cost. Alternatively, go Ikea for a bargain deal.
By the way, do meet up with the seller to check on the condition of the second-handed expensive item before you pay for it. The one item that I will not stinge on is a car seat. Secondhand car-seats are not safe.
Get open-ended toys that are suitable for both girls and boys such as wooden toys and smart games puzzles. These toys grow with the kids through their developmental years.
Be open-minded with colours too. You don’t need to get pink for girls, blue for boys. Boys and girls can even wear the same pyjamas while they are cruising around at home.
You may like to read: Smart Games for my 3-year-olds
Go for affordable experiences with the family. Record the lovely memories in physical albums which will bring you conversations for many years to come.
Education
You certainly don’t need to queue for that expensive preschool.
The key criteria in selecting childcare are the distance and the quality of care they give to your child. A branded preschool does not equate to warmth and nurturing love from the teachers.
You can also homeschool your child if you contemplate working part-time or quitting your job to spend more time with your little one.
Check out my homeschool posts here.
Enrichment class – set a budget for your kids’ tuition and enrichment.
There was a poll done in a private FB Parenting Group before. The majority of the parents who did the poll spend about $400 per month per kid on enrichment. There are a couple of families who spend thousands of dollars per kid in enrichment classes. They probably can afford it.
Many of us often fall into the trap of FOMO – fear of missing out. The tuition and enrichment industry in Singapore ride on such fear to pressurise parents to sign up for numerous expensive classes.
Those who fall into the trap end up with a huge financial commitment, hiring tutors to support their children in many subjects, from primary school all the way to tertiary education, hoping that they will score top marks and stand out in school. And yes, tertiary education, I tutored one before.
MOE has been reminding us parents that good grades and a certificate from a prestigious university no longer guarantee job stability and a high salary. Jobs available today may not even exist in 20 years’ time. Robots are replacing doctors in some surgical procedure too. Does it mean that we need to outwit robots instead, by getting the preschoolers to learn to code?
I believe in giving my children ample opportunities to fail. This is the way to build resilience. We minimize tuition and enrichment classes where we can. Of course, the financial pressure of raising 4 kids force us to consider every major financial commitment carefully.
Without tutors for every single subject, we learn new mathematical concepts and science topics together. We learn to solve problem sums and answer open-ended questions with the right keywords in the science papers.
My kids get to see their mummy pulling her hair out from answering maths questions, and scratching her head over answering OEQs on respiratory systems. I tried my best to set a positive example in learning, hoping that I can inspire my kids to do the same.
My kids won’t get top marks with their half-baked mummy tutor guiding them through their learning. But through these experiences, they learn that we can solve challenges independently and not rely on a tutor to feed them with model answers. In adulthood, there is no model answer to memorise and no tutor who will guide them through life.
We send our kids for enrichment classes too. Our twins love to dance, so we send them to classes in the nearby community centre.
To save cost, we carry out a lot of enrichment activities on our own. The twins learn to draw from YouTube, the elder ones learn to code using Scratch, free of charge. We bring them out for affordable excursions to maximise the exposure that encourages curiosity and love for nature.
Our playground trips are often outdoor with a healthy dose of vitamin D and greenery for healthy eyes and mind. Best of all, all these are free of charge!
Check out our playground posts and nature walk posts here.
All You Need For Starting A Family
All you need for starting a family is unwavering love for your kids, time and patience in nurturing them, tackle challenges along the way with a lot of positivity, and the humility to learn and accept your children as they are.
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