You will probably want to read this post if you are thinking of becoming a stay-at-home-parent, and yet procrastinating because you are unsure of what lies ahead of you.
Coz what I am sharing below is what my SAHM friends and I went through over the years.
It felt just like yesterday when I finally plucked up my courage to resign from my 16 years worth of corporate banking career. That was almost four years ago.
Knowing that I wanted to give more time to my children, my boss had kindly explored with me a change of job scope, working half-day, and working from home. I was adamant to stay at home, to give my 100-per cent to my then two kids, and now four. We won the Fertility Lottery the moment I tendered my resignation. From 2 kids, we are suddenly raising 4.
I am so glad that I did not procrastinate quitting any longer. In the past, I worked past eight every night. That means I only get to pick up my little ones near nine, have my dinner and bring them home. We reached back nine plus or ten every weekday night. I read them a bedtime story and packed them off to bed.
All that routine was akin to weekend parenting. And yet we spent our weekends on groceries, classes, and errands. There was no time for life-skill training, nor developing their hobbies, nor family board games.
Do all these sound familiar to you too?
Today, they return home from school at 2 plus in the afternoon, rest, complete their homework and revision. We may even have time for a session at the playground. They have more opportunity to explore and work on their interest. The littlest ones are picking up a lot more life skills, and are building up their motor skills a lot better than their elder siblings. I am trying hard not to praise myself, but really, I see the difference. All these are because their mother is physically and mentally available to guide her kids through their formative learning years.
Deciding to be a Stay-At-Home-Parent
There are a few factors affecting a person’s decision to stay at home as a full-time parent, regardless of gender. I have friends whose husbands are stay-home parents.
Take the following points seriously.
Get Your Partner’s Backing
In a healthy family unit, becoming a stay-home parent has to be a mutually agreed decision. Failure to consider and respect your partner’s feelings risks a fault line in the marriage.
I can’t stress enough the importance of getting his wholehearted endorsement as it set the tone for your entire stay-home parenting journey. I will be using ‘his’ and ‘he’ in the remaining post for the sake of typing convenience.
Be sensitive to how he agrees to the arrangement. Is it a reluctant ‘Yes”? Or does he genuinely believe that staying at home brings additional value to the family? You need a partner with the same resolute to tackle all the challenges as a single-income family. Budget will be tighter than before, and thus the opportunities for more fights.
One way to start a conversation with your partner on this is to talk about the parenting concerns that both of you are dissatisfied with, and how your presence at home can improve the situation. For instance, your kids are eating take-out every day because you cannot arrive home early enough to cook a simple healthy meal. Or perhaps there are gaps in the academic / behaviour aspect that both of you may wish address.
And of course, you need to do your homework on the financial aspect to reassure the potential sole breadwinner that everything will turn out fine when surviving on a single income.
Let’s Talk About Money
The reduced income needs to be sufficient to fulfil the family’s basic needs before you can even explore living on a single income.
But what are a family’s basic needs? Be very truthful to yourself. Is it just about simple food and public housing? Or is living in a private property your basic need? Is travelling overseas on every school holidays a basic need? To some people, yes! To some other families, their priorities are in healthcare or education. The society is made up of different types of people with different needs. That’s fine! There is no judgement here, to each of his own, as long as the husband’s and wife’s priorities are aligned.
To survive on a single-income, some sacrifices have to be made, unless your partner is making heaps of money. If you find travelling very important, are you willing to cut your travelling budget a little? Instead of taking SIA, can you fly on budget airlines? Instead of going to Europe, can you keep to Southeast Asia?
If healthcare is crucial to you, can you consult a doctor at the polyclinic instead of the private paediatric? Can you wait and queue in the government hospital instead of going to a private surgeon?
If education is is your priority, can you consider signing up for enrichment classes in the community centre, taking group tuition lessons instead of hiring a private tutor? Or maybe, can you tutor your child on your own? Put in some efforts to read the textbooks and learn together with your child? If your little ones are going preschool, will you consider to enrol them in the less branded school? Or even homeschool them?
For us, we only started exploring living on a single income after our HDB flat was fully paid off. Having the certainty of a roof over our head in the event of zero income gave us the confidence to consider our current lifestyle.
While thinking through your finances, start a spreadsheet. A column on your income, a column on your current expenses, and a column on your projected expenses living on a single-income. That will give you a very visible indication of whether the stay-home option is financially viable.
In fact, many financial experts recommend that one should try to live on a single-income for 6 months before taking the plunge.
How Do You Feel About Staying At Home?
Envisage yourself staying at home all day long. What will you be doing?
Will you be busying running errands, or bored with nothing to do when the kids are in school?
Will you find joy staying at home, cooking for the kids, and perhaps managing the housework? If you are a person like me who dislike doing housework, is the option of hiring a helper still available?
Do you find more joy spending time with the kids, or more satisfaction tapping on your intellectual capability? If you don’t see staying home to mind your kids satisfying and you think you are going dumb and dull, staying home may not be for you.
Risk losing your self-esteem from not doing any “real” office work and your kids are going to find a depressed mum at home. That will totally defeat the initial intent of staying home to bring value to the family.
But what if you are unsure of yourself? Can you explore sabbatical leave? I am sure you will know the answer by the time your leave ends.
Potential Challenges You May Face as a Stay-At-Home-Parent
I have collated a couple of common issues faced by myself and some friends while parenting full-time.
Independence
The most apparent adjustment when transiting from a working professional to a stay-at-home-parent is the loss of financial autonomy and the voice you used to have when it comes to spending.
Some stay-at-home-parents may find themselves losing control of their say in big and small purchases, budget, travel preferences, choice of restaurants and even choice of doctors to see.
Thus it is imperative to set and agree on a sum of money that you will get to spend without being asked to be accountable on a regular basis. As for other lifestyle spendings such as travel and restaurants, it will probably be easier on the marriage if both partners can agree on the consumption pattern before any resignation happens.
Physical Freedom
Loss of independence is not limited to finances. Depending on how much support you get on your childcare, you may get lesser freedom than before.
Especially for mothers with very young kids like me, we typically leave the house for errands with the little ones tagging along. For safety reasons, we do not leave the kids at home alone, unless there is someone trustworthy enough to help you out.
So all the talk about self-care for mothers, going out for yoga lessons, having regular coffee sessions with friends may only materialise if you have some form of childminding arrangement set out.
Identity and Self-Worth
Who will you be when you no longer have a career? Will you be proud of yourself as a full-time parent, or will you feel shitty without a profession?
If you have a fulfilling job or feel great leading a team of people right now, the adjustment is going to be significant. No more adults to lead, instead, you will be facing a bunch of recalcitrants. No more important phone calls from clients, nor strategies to deliberate over. The next most important meeting to attend is probably the parent-teacher meetings for your little ones.
Some stay-at-home-parents feel the heat from insensitive questions posed by people. Friends may ask, “What’s wrong? Not happy at work? Don’t give up, just look for a new job!”, or others may comment “Uh? Cannot manage is it?”. Others may belittle your contributions at home, saying that you have nothing to do home.
For some who are adjusting into their new role as a stay-home parent, they may imagine friends and colleagues to be judging them, thinking that they are failures at work. This potentially leads on to depression.
You Have All Day to Get This Done
There are many articles covering this already. Staying home to mind the kids and manage the household is a lonely job that gains no recognition. No one, other than stay-at-home-parents themselves, understands the massive scope of work involved, especially when one does not enjoy any hired help.
There are times when the tired and stress-up working partner returns home, expecting a clean and peaceful house to relax in, flared up instead at the sight of a house messed up by a bunch of boisterous young kids.
You may have picked up the toys on the floor for the fifth time today, but no one knows. Comments like “you have all day to clean up this mess and the dishes in the sink”, or “you should not have let them take out the toys” will simply foul your mood.
Ensuring a Happy Stay-At-Home Parenthood
The above challenges sound really depressing, isn’t it? Then why are there still people who remain as stay-at-home-parents?
Like what I said at the start of the post, a physically and mentally available stay-at-home parent brings tremendous benefits to her kids. These are the motivations that drive me till today.
And I grew stronger and wiser than my younger self after tackling all the challenges I faced.
So how do stay-home parents continue to do it without getting bonkers? Well, we stay-home parents get driven up the walls all the time. But there are some tips here to stay sane.
Know Your Priorities
Just like a person who hates his job, he stays put until he finds a better job because he needs to bring home the bacon. A stay-at-home-parent continues to remain at home because that is his priority, and he knows clearly the benefits of doing so.
For me, I know very clearly what my priorities are – it is parenting my children according to my beliefs and ideology. I find it fulfilling to serve them healthy food, take charge of their screen time, throw them out of the house for some outdoor activities, cultivate their values and give them safe spaces to explore and fail.
Because we manage to live on a single income by adjusting our lifestyle, my role of bringing in the money is no longer as important as before.
Know Yourself
Know your strengths and weaknesses as a stay-at-home-parent. Are you awesome in nurturing the kids, managing the household or cook, or perhaps you are a do-it-all?
Focus on the areas that you are solid in. It is easier to score there. Can you enlist some help to cover your area of weakness? Can your partner commit to take over some of the responsibilities that he can manage?
My weakness is in housework. So before taking the plunge to quit, we agreed that we would continue to hire a housekeeper. Cleaning the house makes me depressed, and that is not going to make me good mum.
I find that I do better at kids’ stuff. I can homeschool the little ones, and tutor the elder ones. I bring them to the outdoors and arrange for our own excursions.
This leads to the next point.
Believe In Yourself, Think Positive
When the going gets rough, you or people around you may start to question yourself. Did you make the right choice of staying at home? Are you a good enough parent?
I get that all the time. People commented that I should worry about not finding a job when my kids are older. I will be outdated by then. People also mentioned that it will probably better to send my little ones to the preschool, and hire some tutors for my elder ones. The professional may do a better job.
Like I have said earlier, I know my strengths and weaknesses. I believe I am good enough. I will find a job suitable for my future self when the kids don’t need me anymore. I can go for retraining, and do new things! Not going to be easy but exciting days ahead!
We take our kids’ education seriously and we will hire tutors whenever we cannot handle. I am not shy about admitting my weakness. I will shout for help when I need any. Nonetheless. my hubby and I each put in the effort to learn their syllabus together and guide them. That saves us a lot of tuition money.
Believe in yourself, and turn a deaf ear to all the insensitive comments around you, including “you have all day to clean the house”. And that will make you a happier stay-at-home-parent.
Are you considering to be a stay-at-home-parent too? Or are you already one? Share your thoughts and tips in the comment box below.
You may be interested in the following posts:
Raising our four kids – Frequently asked questions
My self-care journey during my babies’ first year (part 1) – mental health
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