We don’t have to do it all!

Mr Lee Kuan Yew once said, “The only differences between men and women workers are the physical and biological ones. Women are equal to men in intellectual capacity.”

Thanks to Mr Lee and his policies which have helped women to make career advancement in our society, we women can now do it all.

I am not here to discredit any of the policies which our forefathers implemented in our interest. I am thankful for all that they had done.

But somehow along the way, the ability to “do it all” becomes a burden. In my case, I felt the burden when the number of my children grows, and my parents’ hairs turn white.

When too much of a good thing becomes a bad thing

I appreciate the opportunity to obtain the university degree that has opened up many opportunities for me, particularly petaining to employment. I managed to squeeze myself into the banking industry and proved my worth. Being an excellent workhorse, my workload and responsibilities increased over time.

At the same time, I started a family and had kids. There was a lot on my plate, so much that it overflowed. We roped in the grandparents to help to increase my plate size. However, over time, my plate overflowed again. At that point, it seemed logical that I prioritised work matters over my kids’ requirements. In the name of professionalism, transactions need to be closed, and no one can afford to wait for a mother who needs to go home to her children, for whatever needs they have. I haven’t even mentioned my parents’ needs, nor my husband’s needs. They appreciate our availability too.

My grouses are not unique to me. The same thing happens to millions of women all over the world. All working mums face the ruthless and punishing mum’s guilt.

It’s time to stop

On days when I was highly strung because of my overflowing plate, my husband faced the brunt of it. Our relationship went south because we insisted that I could do it all.

Every minor miscommunication and “mistake” that he made irked me. His mistake might not even be a mistake, but a matter of different perspective. Sorry, but I had no energy to tolerate a different point of view. I had also misconstrued his good intentions as insensitive comments or behaviours.

Our home became a mess, and we could even turn a blind eye to items that need repair. Come on! He is a frequent flyer! I can’t expect him to keep the house in order by himself.

Our lifeline was my parents who live with us to look after our children, and our live-in helper who kept the house clean enough for living and prevented the husband and wife from ridiculous arguments over household chores.

The thing that got me to put the brakes on was the primary school admission date. It was a big deal to me, not only because I was a first-time parent navigating my way through the primary school system, but also because I was dealing with a sensitive child who needed more attention than other kids.

At this point, I want to emphasize that I am not insinuating that working moms are bad moms. Every family faces different limitations and demands, and no one is in any position to judge anyone.

It was a struggle to put the brakes on

As I have said earlier, we are all brought up thinking women can do it all. Women today can raise a family and pay the bills at the same time. They can fulfil their role as a daughter, a wife, a sibling and a friend.

However, these are possibly one-sided wishful thinking because there are so many instances when a person simply needs to make a choice. The world is not free, everything comes with a price. And the price can be in form of one’s happiness, health and relationship.

When I first brought up the idea of becoming a stay home mum, many were disappointed with me. There were so many considerations. Family members brought up questions pertaining to the cost of living, housing loan obligations, and parental obligations. Colleagues discouraged me from doing so because my decision would do me no good. Other than losing touch with the society, I would waste my 16 years of corporate banking experience, and I will regret when my counterparts progress up the ranks while I stay at home looking after my children. My kids will not thank me for my sacrifice.

I finally made a choice! And I still have hired help at home!

Garnering all my experience through life and marriage, I still maintain my stance. I can’t do it all.

With 4 kids under 9 including a set of twin toddlers, I hired help at home. I don’t care how others give me the “chey” response when they hear that I have hired help at home. Of course there is a financial component involved and I am fortunate to have a choice.

I need the sanity, the time for my children, and time for my husband. There is nothing wrong with putting my focus on the important people around me and outsource the mundane work to others. That is what corporations do too. They outsource certain scopes so that they can focus on matters critical to their business.

I will not be affected by how others see me. I tell myself that I am good enough. Insensitive comments such as “stay home moms are so free” and presumptions that stay home moms are quitters or loser at work and should do their own housework will not diminish my self-esteem, nor shake my belief in putting my attention on my kids. By the way, attention does not mean helicopter parenting.

Do Not See Staying Home as a Sacrifice

We are all just doing what works best for the family. It is tremendously important not to see staying at home as a sacrifice, or you will succumb to the victim mentality trap.

I am the one who put my career on hold not because I am not doing well at work. It is just that my hubby has more opportunities at work, therefore the opportunity cost of me quitting work is lower.

Further, it does not make sense for him to stay at home because that is not his strength. We should all focus on doing what we are good at, or what we like to do. I like to play with my kids, and I use play heavily as part of our homeschooling. Since he doesn’t quite get what I am doing, he jolly well stays at work to do what he excels in.

See it as doing the right thing because you think so, and you will have no regrets later on.

If you have thoughts on becoming a stay home mom, and have just become one, I hope I have given you some useful food for thought.

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