Our lives changed tremendously with the addition of our cheeky twins who bring us joy, laughter and chaos.
From having two school-going kids who are slowly but surely becoming independent and sensible children, our bittersweet parenting lives are now also filled with giggles and cries from our two adorable yet demanding toddlers.
We don’t have enough hands to deal with all 4 kids, currently under eight years old at the same time. Something will give way, may it be sleep, hygiene and sometimes a simple listening ear. I have a newly hired helper who is still trying to get used to our pace and make some sense in our way of life. Things get delayed or missed out occasionally. In the meantime, we will make do with whatever resources that we have.
Yes, the keyword to survive the chaos is make do. Identify our priorities and make do with the rest. Having four children means lots of family love and joy, and it also brings out tenacity, sense of responsibility and teamwork for the entire family, regardless of young and old.
And yes, financially it is tough. I quit my banking job initially to focus on raising two kids. Now we have to raise four kids. We have to make do with less, and learn to do more with less.
This post is not to brag. We are just like everyone, trying to keep everything together, and we are still finding and learning the best practices along the way. I want to share and point out how we can all start early to teach the right values in kids. While what learned can be unlearned, at least we try and get them to expose to what we think is essential early on in their lives. And every family dynamic is different. What I think is important but not be crucial to you. You are the parent, you decide.
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Our Priority in Parenting – Teaching the Right Values and Being Present
We have only two sets of hands to do the actual parenting work. Parenting is not just about putting food on the plate and giving the kids a roof over their head. Parenting is not about ensuring the kids score well and sending them to all sorts of enrichment courses in the hope of cultivating a scholar.
To me, parenting is about a mindful presence in front of the kids, be involved in their lives, be aware of their feelings, addressing their insecurities and cultivating the right values and healthy living habits. There is always a reason for their tantrums and their tears. It can be fear and sense of insecurity, or the inability to express themselves adequately, or it can be sheer tiredness.
That being said, parenting is not about addressing all their problems and solving everything for them. It is about equipping them with the right skillset and mindset so that they can independently handle the obstacles that they will meet throughout life. Parenting is also about recognising and accepting their shortcomings, giving them a push to help them reach their goals, recognising their efforts and teaching them to love themselves as they are.
My son was unsure if he needed to complete two pieces of the worksheets as part of his weekend homework, so he was hoping for a direction from me. It was 8.30pm on a Sunday night, their bedtime and we try hard to adhere to our bedtime schedule. I didn’t reprimand him as he was already feeling anxious and knew that the consequences of not submitting his schoolwork on time.
The first piece was a worksheet for a topic outside of his test subjects this week. I asked him if he thinks his teacher would want them to spend their weekend working on a chapter which will not be tested or to spend time revising their test topic. He decided that this worksheet needs not be dealt with as homework for now. He still felt uncomfortable with his decision, and I asked him to approach his teacher for further clarification.
The second homework was his spelling correction which he had forgotten to do. I asked him whether he needed to submit the correction tomorrow, and he said no. Reason being the teacher will only mark the corrections on the next spelling day, which is Tuesday. So I asked him if the work is urgent and he said no. Can he deal with it the next day after school? He said yes.
Throughout the conversation, I asked him questions and didn’t give him an answer. It was a deliberated attempt to guide him in his thinking process and introduce to him the idea of addressing a time-related problem based on priority and urgency. I also took the opportunity to remind him to write his homework down in his handbook, even when his teacher did not ask him to do so. At the lower primary level, teachers hand-hold the children. They write down the students’ assignment on the whiteboard for them to copy down on their handbook.
We do not leave matters like the above to the domestic helpers to address. Regardless of whether they have a high school certificate or a college certificate, they cannot replace us, parents, when it comes to inculcating values and sharpening thinking process. And not all helpers care how your children feel, whether they are lonely and apprehensive.
Sitting right in front of me while typing this draft was a helper staring at her phone, ignoring a little toddler who was crying for her out-of-town mummy for the last half an hour. I am not judging the mummy at all coz mummy has to work over the weekend! But yes, I am angry with the helper. She let the poor little kiddo rolled on the floor, and walked around the school corridor away from her sight to look for her mummy!
I am grateful to have the privilege, to cast aside work and entirely focus on my kids. Not everyone has the resources to do so. But I guess even for working parents, putting away our cellphone and work for a designated period while at home to focus our kids is something we should all try to achieve.
Resilience and Responsibility
These are the buzzwords in school nowadays. What does resilience means to my hubby and me? It means fighting all the way and never say never when we meet obstacles. We grind all day long, whether at home or work, just to keep everything together for the family. The kids see what we do, and they follow suit.
With only two parents to manage four young kids, the elder ones are gradually more involved in helping out at home, and managing their stuff.
They fill in the gap to feed the toddlers their meal when the little ones throw a tantrum. When the little kiddos want no one but their beloved Koko and Jiejie, the two of them take over to soothe the toddlers.
They brave the toddlers’ loud cries in the afternoon while doing their homework because the little kiddos are cranky but sleep-fighting. We shout at each other to work out problem sums because we can’t hear each other amidst the toddlers’ cries. Neighbours may think we love shouting matches all the times. Nonetheless, things get done, though a little stressful at times.
The elder ones are learning to take responsibility for their schoolwork and toys, and keep them away from the little ones’ curious fingers and mouth. There were cries at first when the toddlers tore their workbooks and broke their toys. After a while, the elder ones learned their lessons the hard way and put their belongings in places when the toddlers cannot reach.
I am proud of their progress and achievements. From 2 little brats with a great sense of entitlement, they learn to give and take, and take on more responsibilities at home and for their personal matters.
https://www.instagram.com/p/BmXkbVPBg1y/?taken-by=melissatanps
Independence
The elder ones still fight amongst themselves. I think it is common to experience sibling rivalry in every family with multiple kids. When it was just #1 and #2 at home, I had to conscientiously stop myself from intervening in their fights too much. I need to let them learn to resolve their conflicts, express their needs and fight for their rights. I cannot be the judge all the time. Now with four, I am happy to let go and step back to observe. They have the space to resolve their issues, and I step in only to capitalise on teachable moments.
Having lesser time for the elder ones also means that they have to find their activities to fill up their playtime. I do not allow screen time in the morning and afternoons. When they have no schoolwork, and they are sick and tired of each other or their toys, they are forced by boredom to find new things to do, or a new way to play with their toys. I was extremely impressed by their creativity that they have shown me previously. Thus I decided that I should leave them to play by themselves more.
We don’t just try to instil independence in the older kids. We work on the toddlers too. Today, they are contributing in their little ways. Occasionally, we see them keeping away their toys after they are done with them. We encourage them to take out one or two toys at a time so that it is easier to clean up after that.
They clean up the water and food they spill onto the floor. Imagine the two little ones waddling to and fro the kitchen while cleaning up the floor. It is an adorable sight. Inconsistently, they also bring their dirty laundry to the laundry basket after their shower.
Of course, things are not smooth sailing every day. With 4 kids at home, there will be at least one child a day who refuses to pack her school bag or pick up the mess on the floor. We spend the time to negotiate, persuade, pester and ultimately coerce to get things done.
What are the values you prioritise in parenting?
You may also be interested in:-
Organizing my parenting life using Google Apps
A routine day in life with 4 kids at home
Discovering playground – the updated Jacob Ballas Children’s Garden in the Botanic Garden
Why We Babywear and I Met A Babywearing Educator
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